at home

I drag my feet over doing when at home. I only 

lap up happy endings, sometimes knit, pee frequently;

By eight or so, I'm berating myself on another day wasted.

What else? I spend time talking, a bit a day.

My impatience held in a vice-like grip, I try explain;

When it escapes, I am savage or escape.

I've no wisdom to defend this with.

Family, they itch in your bones—

Try to be aloof, or strategize, or just let them be,

But it still matters enough to fight.

Or to lie, to evade the non-negotiable.

Because they are not just the Opposition.

I know why they resist, I know why I must, should, will listen,

I know why the whole damn thing's so bloody hard.

They know too, and so we're every day angrier,

Always shouting, never leaving,

Never thinking violence without thinking regret.

—Don't get me wrong: we make each other miserable.

But in a quicksand/together-forever sort of way.

Sir.

He would stand up as we came in, and go out; but for a second he was there, darkly well dressed, with a haggard beard and shaking hands, against fluttering yellow curtains. Was yellow his choice?
The curtains were always clean, his table orderly, except for Paperwork, which we imagined lurked, hammer in hand, outside his corner office like a ham-handed student.
"Go deeper."
The ham-handed student was terrified of asking him anything, hoping the situation would show her kindness, and he fobbed off all who came to his door, fearing it was Paperwork.
He was sad, later, when he found out it had been people, with questions.
Because he cared, do you know? I cannot guarantee it is not nostalgia—
what is a guarantee in any case? It is a speech act.

He held death at bay with a shaky hand. Illness and solitude he carried
resignedly, and more or less erect. Literature he coaxed to his side from years of devotion,
An old retainer in a shadowy house, warily waiting
The air about him thick with reading, measuring out lengths of poetry
like smoke, immeasurable, savoured.

Where did he go? Into a storm-night, into a rickety car, into a silence
Looking inward, his eyes glittering black and his lips dry?
He caressed space and waved aside time, he wove maps (warp and weft) and
scorned summary.
We did not understand then, and the ragged facts
haunting his death—pain and desolation—we will not now read out as his life.
What he meant, we do not know, (which sometimes made us mad)
But it was bona fide poetry, and worth the care.

He doesn't leap out of bed in the mornings, but it's easy for him to get up early, these days, even if the sun is firmly blocked out, if the world beyond his door is drowsy and unstirring, without time tearingoff ahead of him and mocking his intentions. He hears the alarm calling for him, louder and louder as though his brother stood at the head of the stairs and called, condescending a few steps each time he did not reply. And with no defensiveness and no evasion, he sits up and meets time as he meant to, just as it is paused, with its head cocked, listening to the alarm that has brought him here, before it passes through the door and onward—he sits up and nods at it, friends they are because he has stopped himself pleading (or shouting or muttering) at its retreating back. He does not assume familiarity, there are no loyalty privileges, only the choice over forgetting. He does not seek to manipulate it to neatly time his own escape; he will use his certainties—of himself—to build more, and then more, like a tidy accumulator; and when time comes with infinite patience to wait, and not to pause, he will throw aside his modesty with no threat of reward, and meet it lazily, with spare seconds and minutes and hours tucked away in deep pockets to enable his indulgences, and by then be indifferent to indulgence altogether. Perhaps.

for my best friend.

First it was that we had only each other, needed only each other, needed to keep talking to understand the world more and more deeply, thinking together, chords from strings, We had never met anyone like us, we would never settle for anything less.

Then, that growing feeling that it wasn't just us, wait a minute, there are more! Others, a community of us...Find them! root them out! Let us be ourselves and draw them close—they will come.

More and more, groups unravel to reveal people we may love, we splash ourselves with friends, exulting, we wade towards others, gather more and more together, you and i a little apart, exchanging grins... then a little further...

We each reached out, and out of sight, bobbing somewhere around here. The world's an ocean, not a bucket! We can soak ourselves to the chin! Certain that we're both here together, creeping out and plunging in.
What more can I want? A bit more of you, happy head, bobbing about, a bit more seeing what you see, a bit more laughing so hard water goes up my nose.
I could always do
with a bit more you.

an open book.

So convincingly

They push the buttons, hop image to image

Describing, explaining, empathising,

Because graphics are better than the real thing

For explanatory purposes.

But when you see there's nothing there

(A green screen being better than graphics

For illustration purposes),

Wonder at how, imperturbably, 

she points out a storm

or puts it there.

She gave birth to miscarriages. Three, four, five.
Immature, gory mistake. She didn't eat enough.
She turns her head to look at them, licks a ear, nips a nose,
Then eats them whole.

That she is a dog should comfort you.
Yet, strangely, it does not. They are not far enough,
Not brutal or anecdotal or insignificant,
But running your races, licking your wounds.
And you in turn cannot but make a mother of her,
Her whimpering, heartache, her hunger, trauma.

She ate them, then went away and howled, outside.
Returned the next day, sniffing round the now-clean room,
Searching. Silence the indecent proposal.

becoming

Go on, give it to him. You have other games, and he's smaller than you..

-But I want it. It's mine. It's my favourite game, Ma…

Don't be so selfish. Give it. You have so much, you can't give this one thing?

-*sob*

She went out of the room and gave him the box herself, with 

everyone's parents watching approvingly, and 

the sob in her throat laughing at her. Good girl.

You—How do you do that?! Man, you're amazing! People should worship you. The jealousy would kill me.

- I—have to admit… I was plenty jealous at first. I mean, it was horrible, but I just decided, and then… that's it. It's ok, I mean, there's too many good things to let this ruin it…

Still. You're incredible. I couldn't do it, dude. I just couldn't. Like, wow.

- [*sob*]

Every night she screened the thoughts in her head. 

Edited out the thoughts that were nasty—

"I am not that person, I am not that person…."

— with the child sobbing for conventions and possessions just behind. Good girl.

Maybe she will actually become one.